I’ve long been sensitive to the fact that - depending on the social situation - my behavior and personality might meaningfully change. In one interaction, I might be assertive and vocal. In another, passive and reserved.
This used to make me wonder.
Is this bad? Did this make me dishonest or inauthentic?
Over time, I’ve learned the opposite is true: not only is this behavior not wrong, it’s actually a crucial part of human development.
We change our behavior, in part, because we hold many identities. To your parents, you’re a child. To your colleagues, a coworker. To your close friends, a confidant. Each relationship demands something different of you. So, it’s only natural we adapt our behavior accordingly.
This applies to group settings as well. A good teammate acts in ways that best serve the group. During periods of failure, this might mean sharing complements and encouragement (to build team morale). But during periods of success, it might mean expressing humility and accountability (to avoid complacency). As the group’s needs change, so should our behavior.
In Al Ries and Jack Trout’s best-selling marketing book Positioning: The Battle for The Mind they remind the reader, “You can’t be all things to all people.” I found this to be good advertising advice but I also found it to be great life advice more broadly.
It is a fact that we cannot (and should not) be all things to all people. Instead, we should use our best judgment to behave appropriately based on the situation at hand. Having good “judgment” is knowing when and where different aspects of our personality should take over.
This is true outside social contexts too. For example, when I’m at the gym, my inner monologue is disciplinarian and headstrong. But when I’m reading a book, it’s mellow and playful. Since each activity has its own objectives, different parts of our personality emerge so that we can be most productive.
There’s a relevant religious parallel here: In the Christian faith, the Old & New Testament God are expressed in different ways. The Old Testament God is often seen as judgemental and harsh while the New Testament God as forgiving and compassionate.
This difference sometimes breeds confusion and criticism. “How could someone look at the Old and New Testament Gods and conclude they’re the same?” But, when you consider the fact that we humans express opposing aspects of our personalities all the time, it’s not so radical a proposition.
When one speaks of “maturity” and “character” this is what they mean: arming oneself with different mental faculties and knowing when it’s appropriate to express each. Anger. Humility. Judgment. Forgiveness. It’s not right to characterize these as good or bad in an absolute sense. Each has their place.
The ancient Greeks understood this. They often referenced the individual as a microcosm. That within every human being is actually a cosmos.
We should be very careful not to fabricate our personalities with bad intentions. But we should not be concerned about behaving in different ways as we navigate different circumstances.
As the American poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “We contain multitudes.”
